I’ve been on the neighborhood of darkness before, and the folks over there are quite hospitable. Not that I’m being rude, but I never wanted to linger in that place. The paralysis, depression and total misery are just too much for a mere mortal like me.

Sadly, that place is also a pit-stop for travelers en route to “the mecca of love”. It’s a necessary evil. You have to taste it to appreciate it. The “appreciate it” part is a little hard to swallow, though. Yes, you have to go through a lot of shit to get there. Prince Charming would say, “That’s nothing. In my world, I have to defeat witches, conquer armies and save my damsel in distress from a tower guarded by dragons!” Yeah, Princey, you’re right. But at least, your “happy-ever-after” is GUARANTEED. All fairy tales end up being so darn perfect. In that case, I’ll fight dragons anytime.

Compared to what I’ve been through in the past? Yeah, slaying dragons would be a walk in the park. A piece of cake. Chicken feed. And all those other expressions. Bring it on.

Walter Savage Landor said, “Absence and death are the same - only in death there is no suffering.”

Twice in this relatively young life, I have thought of death in my own context. Twice. And each instance was backed by an enormous piece of motivation called “desperation”. Walter is right - in death, there is no suffering. The concept of hell would be like a rock concert to me. To live while your heart is bleeding is like an endless punishment for every breath you take. To continue “existing” and stop “living”. It’s pointless to breathe if you know that, for the rest of your days, in every moment of silence, you will be reminded of how painful it is to have lost your only reason for living. That is worse than hell itself.

No, I’m not going back there. It’s a fate worse than death.



I’m writing this to remind me not to allow myself to be in the dark again. Storms are persistent, winds may be pushy, but I have something far more powerful. And it shall not go to waste.

To be vulnerable, it’s alright. To be totally submissive, it’s acceptable. But to be a quitter? Not an option.

Misery is a state of mind. You can CHOOSE to be miserble in a snap.

Sometimes when I’m alone, I ask myself, which is an act of bravery? Fighting for something that’s uncertain, or giving up on something that’s hopeless?

But then the question begets another question: how do you know if it’s hopeless?

In my case, it’s not. And it has never been hopeless. I once convinced myself that it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Something has always been there. We both know it. And it shows. It’s just that, when your mind is filled with dirt, garbage comes out of your mouth. It all comes down to what you think.

When you turn yourself into a puppet, you have to give the strings to someone. That’s what I did. And I don’t mind having someone holding my fate in her hands.

Like I said, it’s a powerful thing. It can lead you to do (or think of) things that’re totally not you. In my gloomiest hours I was ready to take the plunge and pull the plug. I was ready. But the world was not. And if I had not thought of the things that will suffer because of my selfishness, I would have done it. No sweat. But I didn’t. Coz somehow, I kept keep on believing.

Now I’m frail as ever.

But we will go on. We won’t let anything stand in our way again. Love is not a fight, but it’s something worth fighting for.

(via werenotinwonderlandanymore)

as much as the other way around

Halfway through 2010, and life has been funny. I’m not kidding - it’s funny. I never thought that my life deserved these “twists” that happened in the last 6 months. I mean, you could pretty much summarize my pre-2010 life and call it “dull” (well,if you count everything from High School), but recently, again, I say, life has been funny. Hilarious, even.

Now, “funny”, for lack of a better word, is not always a good thing when you talk about MY life.

I’m gonna make a bold statement: I will probably never forget my 22nd and 23rd year in this world. Yeah, they say that during your 20’s, life begins to become sort of bumpy and erratic, like an Indie film that’s so hard to understand that when your friend asks you what it’s about, you say, “I don’t know, actually. I’m just…watching.”

It’s an anxiety-driven adventure. I’m constantly anxious about almost every goddamn thing that I can think of. And I’m not like this before. Apparently, having a job and sort of a “social life” are not enough to get rid of this anxiety. I mean, what the hell do I want more?? A goddamn car or something? This is serious stuff, dude. Last month, I bought this small mirror at the mall. And since then, before I go to sleep, I would look at my face and drown in weird thoughts. I mean, I worry about stupid things like my guitar being so dusty, or my office mate’s pimple, or how long the next Harry Potter film would last (I like it longer). Stupid things. And I hate worrying. It makes my heartbeat follow this weird pattern, or something. I have this theory that my heart is like a special case, or something like that. That it beats differently from normal hearts, but not as if it’s a disease or anything. Yep, and sometimes, I worry about that, too. Everything worries me.

And when something “grave” does happen, then I’d probably freak out and die.





One day, the wind brought a weird sting to my head, and since then I had this sort of a probable cause to my anxiety. Maybe, I thought, I need someone. I mean, a legitimate someone. Now, the operative word is “legitimate”. It means the relationship should be fully-functioning, pro-life, and illusion-free. Technically, my last engagement with that sort of quality was three years ago. Three goddamn years ago. I remember my crush, Emy, saying that she used to “play the field”. I know what it means, but it’s weird to me. I mean, I’ve never played the field. I never went out there just to put my best foot forward and hunt. I mean I don’t go to clubs and stare at girls like a friggin’ psycho and then ask for their numbers. I don’t hook up with my friends’ “friends” just for the sake of dating someone. I mean, it’s not my cup of tea.

So the standing question goes, “Am I anxious about not having someone?” My answer would be, “Maybe.”

Now there could be another reason behind this “anxiety”. It could also be that life is simply just taking its toll on me. Like, “A NEW WAVE OF ZOMBIES IS APPROACHING.” Maybe I’m anxious about what’s coming, knowing that there are A LOT more to come. I have to admit, in the spectrum of experience, I’m not even halfway yet.

But like I said, I’ll certainly bank this portion of my life to the history books. When I’m 60 or something, I’d look back and say, “Damn, when I was 22 going 23, I was a freak who worried about life too much”.

Looking forward to a worry-less ending this year.

I always have weird thoughts when I smoke after dinner. Here’s one of them.

* On this day, 3 years ago, I had the chance to change my world completely. I blew that chance. 07-07-07 will always be remembered as “the day”

* Somehow, I’m ashamed of myself for not believing that people are capable of changing their attitude towards the better. I’m seeing that now, piece by piece, one step at a time. And I’m genuinely happy about it. (Being a pessimist can be tiring, too)

* Books don’t just contain characters - books are characters themselves. When I’m caught in the middle of “nothing” and stranded between “lost” and “confused”, I would look at my hand and I would wish that it was holding a book, a familiar, dusty old book. So that I can read under the tall buildings, while vehicles are passing by. It doesn’t have to be those profound and meaningful books that move a lot of people. In fact, I’m thinking of old books of poems and nursery rhymes. Those with a lot of colors and weird illustrations of what’s being said. And just a few lines can make me feel like my eyes are working again, that I can see the places I want to go to. That I can actually enjoy looking at things. Just a few favorite lines and I would feel like I just had my favorite breakfast. It’s not really that books have become life itself - no, it’s only a part of an unlimited canvas of visions and songs. Like a bird trying to block your view of the clouds. Like a friend, or an older sibling, whose presence can make you remember where you are, and what you’re supposed to sing today. And why you woke up in the first place.

u can do better than that.

* When you try to expect goodness from others too much, it can be very frustrating. One day, here comes this shit and you expect people to empathize with you, put themselves in your shoes. But no. They’ll throw you a half-baked “awww” and then wish you’d stop being a drama queen. They never really grasp the gravity of your situation, and at the end of the day, your shit will NOT stand in their way of having a good day. That’s where friends come in. I mean true friends. Regardless of how they show it (or not show it), you’d KNOW they care, even up to the tiniest levels.

* I hate to admit it, but hospitals drive me nuts.

* It’s very rare to find a woman who makes quick decisions, without having to consult her incompetent and unreliable “girlfriends”. Their presence should only be limited to providing “company”. Or “moral support” if you will. But NOT on making decisions. Sure, they always seem to be “knowledgeable” and “wise” when you ask them for advice, as if they’ve been through everything. But when the same shit happens to them, they’ll probably ask for your advice too. So yeah, it’s funny.

* Unconsciously, beneath the darkest pits of our soul, we enjoy being hurt.

it becomes boring.

It’s time to

Trip to Nowhere

I keep on aging under my skin
As I pack my bags for the third time this morning
Only to step out the door later on, eyes closed
Reluctant and fearful

And although this is not the last occasion
I challenged the part of me that’s awake
to finally have the decency to fulfill a dream
that’s been losing shade each minute I stay trapped
in this colorless room

The road is a difficult bite to eat
It reminds me of past journeys laid to rest
within my dishonest conscience
And somehow the scars are getting more noticeable
making each breath as heavy as storm’s rain

But the packing never stopped before
And maybe today it will
Now the path stretches out to a vast unknown
Nights will be filled with unhopeful faces
So just like my childhood fantasies, my sad parade will cease to exist
Just in time for a better brand of coffee
And a freshly-baked pie

Friday

Here lies the late weekend plan
Devoured by incidents unforeseen
Or perhaps rocked by a sudden zap of indifference
To the joy that I once deemed

Or maybe some dude-like creature
Forced her to jump ship overnight
Like a prom queen picking among a school of fish
To whom has her delight

It could also be a “girl thing”
Which I doubt entails a sound brain
Not that I think her type is a classic dull
But her logic reminds me of rain

So come Saturday blue and Sunday rage
I can’t promise a weekend glee
I’d be better off with an ice cream treat
Monday, be nice to me.

Precipice

These days I see more gloom than light
And in gloom I collect sarcastic awes and laughters
Seeing myself contained in a small closed box

Half- happy,half-demented, not a glimpse of the world outside

And in those times I also saw the conclusion of days
Mocking me like it’s an inch away
The thought, I must admit, was rather appealing

Nonetheless mysterious, intriguing

And as ridiculous as heaven itself

I do not fear the depth of my fall
But taking the plunge excites me
The ones I hold dear summon the wind to blow against my body
It’s no use –
I’m losing my balance

Tomorrow I shall wake up to the world that has deceived me
And spend countless more tomorrows pushing myself deliberately
Painlessly, eagerly

And quickly – for I am getting tired of this ray of light

3:44 pm

 



Bedroom Life

I glanced behind me and saw no one there

It brought a shade of sadness to my eyes

And my steps became a little slower than normal

Leaving behind a trail of apparent grief for no one to follow

I listened carefully but no one was uttering a word

It brought a deep sigh of despair to my lungs

And my huffing and puffing grew a little faster than normal

Closing my eyes, I dreamed of voices that don’t exist

I woke up smiling but nobody saw my face

It brought a quiet thought into my mind

And my smile became a little fainter than usual

I grabbed a mirror and saw my life in front of me

I knew then that I was alive

Even though nobody was there to prove it

And my heart grew a little bigger than usual

I stood up and looked forward to a same old lonely day.

4:15 pm



 

Day Off

I held out my hand far enough to feel the wind

Just in case I missed the chance

Trees are swinging by me so fast, unmindful

I can barely close my eyes

I felt a drop of water hit my palm

And I laughed right away

Coz I know everything will lose their colors tonight

But  here I am on top of the hill

In a long overdue vacation from life

Where I can actually hear the birds sing

And compare the shapes of leaves

Where the next day is far from near

And where today and yesterday seem to be one

Where nobody needs to dream anymore

5:06

While he was being helplessly smothered by his father’s thoughtless verbal domination, Neil Perry took a deep breath and looked as if he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. His plight was a tragedy, yet, what’s happening in front of him had a sarcastic humor. In his mind, life has begun to wither like a rose gasping for a drop of rain. There was no hope.

Yet again, he didn’t say anything, although there was an intense rage inside of him that he himself did not wanna let out. He diverted all his brewing aggression into a serene state of mind – but not for long.

And when his parents were fast asleep, he undressed himself quietly and laid his hands on his crown of coiled twigs – a symbol of free will for his newly-awaken soul. He placed the crown on his bedroom window and headed down to his father’s office.

With a mission in mind, he crept slowly like a thief.



From his father’s table drawer he pulled out a weapon wrapped in white cloth. He saw his own hands trembling, but not to say that there was a wave of uncertainty in his plans.

Not too long a moment after that, Neil Perry’s parents rushed into the office upon the sight of their lifeless son on the floor, drenched in red.

»

Albeit being a predictable follow-up to the plot’s compelling first half, this scene in Dead Poets Society is one of the most memorable ones in my roster. I’m not particularly in-love with the movie itself (it’s becoming overrated throughout out the years), but some fragments, such as the one above, sticks into my head like a good-in-bed ex-girlfriend. It’s a non-glossy depiction of self-liberation through death, for one.

But aside from that, it also depicted the most heartbreaking act of “yielding” to the darkness of life. The character, Neil Perry, was portrayed as a youthful and spirited boy who always saw the bright side of the world despite being held captive in his father’s unreasonable guidance (or should I say dictatorship?). And in this scene, we can see this youthful spirit collapse. He had a quiet desperation in attaining the freedom to do what he wanted to do in life, and in that quest he met his English professor, John Keating, who inspired him to “seize the day”. But he saw no hope that night. In front of his father, moments before he shot himself to death, Neil Perry saw his dreams shatter before his eyes.

When I first saw this movie back in high school, all I saw was this “cool” movie about poems and how dazzling Robin Williams’ lines are. When I saw it again last night, everything seemed fresh. As if seeing it for the first time, in a new perspective –sitting on top of the desk and looking at a familiar thing in a slightly different angle.

It’s so liberating to think of how easy it is to end your life when things don’t go smoothly as planned. Neil Perry longed for a way out, and he found that salvation in the dictum carpe diem. He held on to this philosophy with high hopes. He took Keating’s words and journeyed away from his traditions, carrying with him a dream and the idea of the possibility that his father would bless his personal goals. He was on his way to 7^th heaven when his father dragged him back to hell - and possibly for good. Killing himself was, at that time, the slam-dunk solution for Neil.

The higher your hopes are, the more painful your failures will be.

Big dipper, north of nowhere,

Little dipper, south of somewhere.

One thing about TIME, you can never grab its shoulder from behind and say, “Wait a sec, don’t go yet, I’m still thinking about it.”

You CAN hear the bell of the Ice Cream Man passing by your house. All you have to do is go out and stop him on his tracks so you can BUY ICE CREAM.

But TIME is different. It will never stop for you no matter how loud you call its name or how hard you try to stop it. It will just pass you by.

Whenever you see a shooting star, you’d wish for it to stop for a while so you can see more of it. But that never happens. Shooting stars pass by quickly, and whether or not you were able to catch a glimpse of their passing, they will never stop on their tracks. Not for you. Not for anyone. They never stop just to say, “Hey, I’m just passing by! Watch me!” They never stop for anything. Much like TIME.



Even if you cry for lost time, it will never go back for you. Never. It won’t even think about going back for you. It’ll just go on its way, passing by before everyone’s eyes.

That is why THE WORST THING you can do is to wallow in regret for opportunities lost. While you are spending your time thinking about what you should’ve done, you are already missing your chance to do what you should have been doing RIGHT NOW.

We have all the time we need.

Beds are traitors. They cuddle us as we sleep but they restrain us from starting our day.

Roosters are devils. They shout at us while we dream; they exist to remind us that we are living in an unaccomplished reverie.

Coffee is lethal. Every sip of its wicked warmth preludes a day of deadly and unfruitful labor.

The sunlight is a lie.

There are particular instances in life when it JUST WON’T allow you to have a freakin’ decent day.

I mean, normally, you can just have everything flow smoothly for you without any of those annoyances – you know, just to get through the day as NORMAL as you could. But no. LIFE is an occasional bully, and you’re just a dork minding your own business, and then suddenly it throws crap right to your face the moment you start your day. During these times I just find myself sitting down on the sidewalk whining silently. What did I do? Is it because I missed last Sunday’s mass? Is that it? Tell meeeeeeee!

Funny, these “bad starts” eventually become somewhat of a pattern as you go along. Like, I could now sense early in the day if it’s gonna be a shitty one, in which case, I then just try to content myself with the confines of home. But sometimes my senses do betray me. It’s tricky at first, coz it might look like a sure forecast of THE WORST DAY EVER, but then it could turn out to be rather normal. Basically it’s a day of gloom ahead for me when:

• I wake up and see that my phone is still low on batteries even after a whole night’s charge (which of course means I must’ve failed to charge it properly).


• I wake up and realize that I just slept on top of an expensive book I borrowed which now has an irremediable and permanent crease on its glossy cover.


• I wake up hearing my mother’s angry voice (a gloomy day for her as well) just when I needed to borrow money from her coz I’m broke. (Being broke is already a bad day by default, but it can be saved through a successful borrowing)


• I wake up and turn on my laptop only to wait for a gazillion years before it can finish its startup items, updates and crashes (which almost never happens in a normal day). By the time it’s ready, I’ve already forgotten why I turned it on in the first place. Shutting down Windows…


• I wake up, grab my towel and, just as I pass by my closet, I see that I’ve ran out of good clothes. (Of course I have an important event to attend; otherwise it would only be just a semi-crappy day)


• I wake up reading the most SIGNIFICANT text I have ever received from the most SIGNIFICANT person in my life, and be suddenly crushed to know that I wasn’t able to reply last night coz I slept (or was too drunk).

When these things start off my day, it’s all downhill from that point.

Can you believe that Al Pacino’s portrayal of Michael Corleone is not included among the 100 greatest movie characters of all time?

On account of my privacy being ruthlessly shattered by my officemates and dorm pals, I desperately resorted to blogging as a means of exhausting my futile ideas and sentiments.

I am aware that blogs are not trash bins of puke-ish emotions and that I should not make the cyber world worse than it already is by sharing my nonsense with the ever-curious nerdy disciples of the Internet, but as I said, I was desperate. And desperate times call for, well, a high-speed broadband Internet connection. =)



Although I have to make use of covert languages to limit the genuine exposure of my thoughts, it is becoming rather convenient for me to put my weariness to rest among the implicit gardens of my blogs. (The language is really contagious, I tell you.)

It hurts to think that Vito is but a figment of literary genius.

It scares me. The thought of having the luxury of unlimited access to the internet. At home. Scaryyyy.

When the new millennium enveloped the Earth about 10 years ago, I learned how to surf the net - a necessary evil to survive in a world of cyber crap.

And suddenly, about 5 years later, the devil, more popularly known as FACEBOOK, came into existence. I mean, c’mon! Give me a break!

Now, FB is part of my day. My life even. A more sane slice of my pathetic brain constantly reminds me of how sick FB is. Like a brain-eating viral scum that corrupts the social animal within every one of us.



And as much as I want to deflect its seductive charm, being an inherent introvert I couldn’t help but bittersweetly hail FB as my ultimate platform to have myself recognized by the outside world that seemed to pass me by.

Sometimes you just stop in the middle of nowhere and realize you have nowhere to go. Maybe I’ll just escape from life. But even with that, I don’t know where to start.

At this very moment, my life is tip-toeing on a tight rope, hanging in the balance. I regularly see some signs that tell me how pathetic my attempts are becoming. Some people say that humans unconsciously like to be hurt so they can wallow in misery just like their favorite movie or telenovela characters. It’s a stupid notion, but considering that I let myself be hurt again and again even though I can avoid it, maybe it’s true. Maybe I DO want to get hurt unconsciously (apparently it’s not unconscious anymore).



It’s one of those days. It just comes suddenly, right between a sunny day and a tiring trip to nowhere. It just comes. Sometimes I wish I could put all my mental processes on hold. Like a factory. CANCEL ALL OPERATIONS.

But I can’t. There are things you have to deal with. And when I say “deal”, for me that means, “do nothing”, or “wait for a miracle”.

Hey, sometimes He slaps you in the face and tells you to get all your shit straight, and start living, for crying out loud! I’ll just wait for that day.

 

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.
That doesn't happen much, though.

Holden Caulfield

Lookback edit: This was taken using my Nokia N71. Yup

It’s high time to start living without having to wait for someone to motivate me.

-Nicholson, A Few Good Men



Some people really suck when it comes to swallowing the naked truth of something precious to them.

Like accepting the reality that some SCARS left behind by Chicken Pox are here to stay. FOREVER. Nasty bitchy truth. I mean, how the hell am I gonna accept that??

(Well, not exactly my point, actually, but hey.)

 

I CAN’T ENTER.
It’s like pulling a door,
not seeing that the sign says
PUSH TO OPEN

Is there a term for that feeling you have when you’re aware that your current happiness is only temporary, and that one of these days, you’ll suddenly wake up realizing that the fun is over?

I dream of a world where meanings of life search for people.
Not the other way around.

simply makes you stranger.

- The Joker

reality is a hideous sight for my faint eyes

To those who believe, no explanation is necessary. To those who do not believe, none will suffice.

“Some things are not to be rushed, especially if you want it to last forever.”

A friend sent me this message last night, and as always, she was in perfect timing. It makes sense after all – things that we desire most are usually obtained by waiting for the right time. If it’s that important, it will always be worth the wait. But sometimes, it’s also difficult to condition yourself to be patient; we have an animalistic tendency of immediate gratification, meaning, we always want to have these things immediately.

A person’s life is a concoction of unfortunate and shocking events that require no formula. It’s a spontaneous explosion of experiences that may stretch or break our spirit. I may sound negative, but that’s the reality that I know. Having known this reality, it’s not easy to bank into my “patience” and “wait” for the desired object to come knocking at my door. I have to take action. Not one step at a time, no. If I could, I have to load all my bullets and start shooting. It’s a fierce world out there. Even the people you came to know as friends would suddenly grow fangs and suck blood out of your disintegrating ego. They would face you with their doggy smiles and bite you as you turn your back. Still not contented, they would even take away the things most dear to you. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Now, all these elements put together would make up the spice of life: the object I want is getting nowhere close to where I am; scavengers are lurking for potential leftovers; while the rest of the world is telling me to be patient. It is in these times when the only logical thing in the world is Red Horse with ice. And even with that, I still got no time.

And so I venture into foreign territories for a while just to, you know, breathe a different air. I have no doubts that I easily get addicted with novelty tastes, at least I know how to bail out before the lions wake up.

In a world where both good and bad exist, constancy is a myth.