Good "Mourning"

Fact: People in our lives die. Some die physically, while others die in our hearts.

But not all deaths are tragic. Well, they seem to be at first, but then after a while we’d realize that it’s actually okay that some of our relationships – friendly or romantic – have ended. When you think about all the people in your life, you’d see how unimportant most of them really are. It’s a foul, shitty piece of reality. Most of these people are just there, not really making an impact in our lives. (And no, don't give me that butterfly effect crap.)

We used to think we’d be friends with these people forever, but by the time they’re gone it just makes you sad to know that you can actually go on with your life without them.

It took me two and a half decades to learn that you actually only need a handful of friends to get by.

I have five. That’s like 0.004% of my Facebook “friends”.

I still bump into some of my grade school classmates every so often, but that’s only because we live in the same area. Proximity is never an indication of friendship. Now some of my college classmates are still in my circle, but to my initial surprise, none of them actually ended up in my “super friends” category.

So yeah, it’s high school.

Three of my five best pals are from high school, and only one of those three belonged to the same class as I did. The other two are a couple of years older.

The rest of the faces I could recall in high school turned out to be merely passing meteorites which, despite of leaving a dazzling trail of memorable history upon their path, will always be just a recollection of spectacle that had once made me smile (and, in some cases, cry). Who knows when they’ll return, and is that even a possibility now that the memories are slowly fading?

Love kills slowly



And then there are those who were once the center of our universe.

I kill exes. That’s what I do. I only kill them in my mind, of course (although there were cases when I wanted to literally murder an ex girlfriend). Totally kidding. Actually no I’m not kidding.

When I “kill” them it doesn’t necessarily mean that I stop acknowledging their existence.

When I’m hooked up with someone, I put them upon a pedestal – but I don't worship the person; I worship the power she has over me. And as soon as that relationship falls apart, I must then immediately kill that person – just the one with the power – or else I won't be able to survive the next chapters of my life.

The other person, the one who used to be my friend, is spared from my killing. She doesn't deserve to die.

I don’t know what kind of a sick bastard I am for wanting to kill my exes after every breakup, but I have no choice. I just don't wanna stay in the dark.

In one particular story – a recent relationship in fact – I failed to kill that powerful person in my mind. The result was a bloody battle of ego, desperation and plain irrationality. I lost myself, not remembering what I was fighting for. Each time I tried to let go, sore and pungent thoughts came screaming back into my mind.

I became weak. Like rock bottom weak. And because of that I was unwillingly letting her manipulate me, like a tiny, helpless toy soldier on the palm of her hands.

When I was finally able to kill her, a new world immediately opened up right in front of my eyes. Like being born again, only with the same pathetic life.

That is why killing is essential to me. For me it’s the only way to win against the immaculate curse that is love. It's my defense mechanism. My panic button. The door that leads to the fire exit.

I need to kill people.

Or else I start killing myself inch by inch.



 

Photo Credit: Wallpoper.com | Cower.me | WikiPaintings.org