I’ve been on the neighborhood of darkness before, and the folks over there are quite hospitable. Not that I’m being rude, but I never wanted to linger in that place. The paralysis, depression and total misery are just too much for a mere mortal like me.

Sadly, that place is also a pit-stop for travelers en route to “the mecca of love”. It’s a necessary evil. You have to taste it to appreciate it. The “appreciate it” part is a little hard to swallow, though. Yes, you have to go through a lot of shit to get there. Prince Charming would say, “That’s nothing. In my world, I have to defeat witches, conquer armies and save my damsel in distress from a tower guarded by dragons!” Yeah, Princey, you’re right. But at least, your “happy-ever-after” is GUARANTEED. All fairy tales end up being so darn perfect. In that case, I’ll fight dragons anytime.

Compared to what I’ve been through in the past? Yeah, slaying dragons would be a walk in the park. A piece of cake. Chicken feed. And all those other expressions. Bring it on.

Walter Savage Landor said, “Absence and death are the same - only in death there is no suffering.”

Twice in this relatively young life, I have thought of death in my own context. Twice. And each instance was backed by an enormous piece of motivation called “desperation”. Walter is right - in death, there is no suffering. The concept of hell would be like a rock concert to me. To live while your heart is bleeding is like an endless punishment for every breath you take. To continue “existing” and stop “living”. It’s pointless to breathe if you know that, for the rest of your days, in every moment of silence, you will be reminded of how painful it is to have lost your only reason for living. That is worse than hell itself.

No, I’m not going back there. It’s a fate worse than death.



I’m writing this to remind me not to allow myself to be in the dark again. Storms are persistent, winds may be pushy, but I have something far more powerful. And it shall not go to waste.

To be vulnerable, it’s alright. To be totally submissive, it’s acceptable. But to be a quitter? Not an option.

Misery is a state of mind. You can CHOOSE to be miserble in a snap.

Sometimes when I’m alone, I ask myself, which is an act of bravery? Fighting for something that’s uncertain, or giving up on something that’s hopeless?

But then the question begets another question: how do you know if it’s hopeless?

In my case, it’s not. And it has never been hopeless. I once convinced myself that it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Something has always been there. We both know it. And it shows. It’s just that, when your mind is filled with dirt, garbage comes out of your mouth. It all comes down to what you think.

When you turn yourself into a puppet, you have to give the strings to someone. That’s what I did. And I don’t mind having someone holding my fate in her hands.

Like I said, it’s a powerful thing. It can lead you to do (or think of) things that’re totally not you. In my gloomiest hours I was ready to take the plunge and pull the plug. I was ready. But the world was not. And if I had not thought of the things that will suffer because of my selfishness, I would have done it. No sweat. But I didn’t. Coz somehow, I kept keep on believing.

Now I’m frail as ever.

But we will go on. We won’t let anything stand in our way again. Love is not a fight, but it’s something worth fighting for.

(via werenotinwonderlandanymore)

as much as the other way around